Traveling Thoughts

2 years ago today I wrote my first post here on Traveling Thoughts.

For those of you that don’t know, which should be the majority of you since I’ve never written about it, Traveling Thoughts came about after a long series of different blogs. I started blogging back in 1997 on Geocities when I actually had to upload page after page and update my links on every page with each new entry. Life was fun back then, I had one of those long addresses that I can’t even remember.

Somewhere along the way came blogger, and I had a blogger account for some time. When I finally got my first domain, it was GeekyGecko.com. I wanted an animal in my domain name and blue rhino was taken. I was a bit of a geek, ok, I was a full blown geek, and I had a thing for geckos, so Geeky Gecko was born.

Uploaded with plasq’s Skitch!

GeekyGecko didn’t quite make it two years, it went from April 2002 to January 2004. I decided I needed to upgrade to a more [some word here, not sure what word] domain. Courtroversy was brought into the world in March 2004.

Courtroversy was fed by my frustrations in the world, my angry thoughts, how everything was done wrong (meaning it wasn’t done my way), etc, if it was bad in my life (according to me) Courtroversy was fueled by it. When version 2 came out, the splash page said this:

“Welcome to courtroversy.com, where everything (or most everything) is a debate, one that only shows my views…or yours if you decide to comment on what i have to say…”

Yes, I said splash page. Courtroversy survived less than a year, March 2004 - September 2005. I then took a hiatus from blogging.

In 2006 when I decided that I needed to start blogging again and I wanted my own domain that would stick this time and that I wouldn’t become tired of my brain was put to the test. I tossed around ideas with Markus for a week or so because I didn’t want a lame domain like my name, CourtneyBenefiel.com (I’m not a fan of the Benefiel name and one day it will change and so my existence on the internet couldn’t be defined by that name). One day out of now where, I was like “I got it, Traveling Thoughts!”. Traveling Thoughts fit because my brain was always on the run, anything and everything would send my brain in any direction other than that in which it was supposed to go.

I can’t say that I’ve been faithful to my blog in the last 2 years. I can tell where something was going on, the entries became less. In recent months the entries have been considerably less than they were in the later months of 2007. You can tell where my traveling season picked up, but unless you talk to me in some other fashion beyond this blog you wouldn’t know that I’ve been traveling.

Traveling season started in February. The weekend of Feb 24th I was in Orlando, FL. The weekend of March 1 I was in Denver, CO. The weekend of March 15 I was in Phoenix, AZ. Next weekend I’ll be in Las Vegas, NV. All that traveling has been done in the name of Tour de Cures in one form or another and while I haven’t been writing here faithfully, I have been writing fairly faithfully on RideToRemedy.com my cycling/diabetes blog.

I’m about to contradict something that I said the other day simply because in taking a trip down memory lane tonight with my other blogs, I realized that if I don’t write about the trips I take and whatnot on my blog, those memories are going to become nothing but a one day forgotten piece of my past. With that thought in mind, in 2008, the 3rd year of Traveling Thoughts, I am reforming my thoughts from last week and saying that if I go on a trip, and I do something beyond ride my bike, I will blog about it (take note that I can once again change my mind if I so choose to do so).

There has been a lot of change in me over the last year, in fact, a little over a year. It was a year ago a few days ago that a big change happened in my life that really was for the good, it was the push that I needed to want to take care of my diabetes. (there’s so much I haven’t blogged about so bear with me here,) I had wanted to take care of my diabetes when I started sky diving, but then when my blood sugar went low at elevation (10,000 feet above ground level) and my instructors told me once we got to ground that I wasn’t responding to their signals I knew that my days of sky diving were numbered (I made exactly one more jump). After that I got all defeated again.

I think I had lived the better part of 15 years in a mode of defeatedness. Diabetes really brought me down and with the doctors and family members really holding me back and me not fighting for my right to do things I really just became a turtle in a shell (that was a choice I made). I was a wall flower in school after the 5th grade. (5th grade was rough for me because I had just gotten diabetes and I spent a lot of time in the counselors offices because I was constantly in fights.) After 5th grade I receded into myself pretty much. In 6th grade I spent more time fighting with other kids over friends that it wasn’t worth the trouble to make friends anymore. That was my choice.

Life is all about our choices, sure, some things are thrown at us, but other things we do ourselves. Up until last year (March 15th) I really never made any choices that were going to be a massively good impact in my life, I made choices that helped me get by in life but beyond that most the other choices were to terrorize or hurt people that (i felt) had hurt me.

There are people having problems with whom I’ve become (call them casualties of my growth if you will but by the same token know that it’s not an unforgivable loss). They want what I was, and the truth is, I don’t want to be who I was, I’m doing things now that I should’ve been doing in middle school and high school, and it’s not wrong for me to be doing them as an adult, I’m out there fighting for what I want. And that’s my choice (and my right as a human being).

A month ago there was a pretty big bomb set off in a friendship, from that I decided that I didn’t need to spend my life online, that I needed to not be on the computer as much (I’m already on it 12-15 hrs a day for work). I decided that there are other things I’d rather be doing. As an effect of that choice, this blog has suffered (in addition to all the traveling I’ve been doing and the fairly regular blogging that I’ve been doing on my diabetes blog). Posting has been incredibly infrequent and I’m seriously contemplating whether or not I want to keep up two blogs.

There’s just so much to do beyond the computer, and I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have time to do anything. It’s a choice that we make, we make the time to do the things we want to. And when it comes down to it, I might be able to write some good posts that more people than I could imagine read, but what is that? What does that really amount to in my life, in my life beyond the computer, it might not…

When I started this blog, it was really a place to let loose, the good stuff, the bad stuff, the creative thought stuff. At one point I had a blog called “courtroversy” I would really unload there, I let it go long before traveling thoughts came into existence. Less than a year ago I felt that “courtroversy” needed to come back because I needed a place that could exist separate from everything else where I could vent (the bad stuff). This is my blog, and it’s not a niche blog, it’s an everything blog, an everything Courtney blog; and if I’m going to continue blogging here, I need to feel comfortable in my own space. One shouldn’t ever feel that on their own blog they can’t write stuff because of what their readers will think. Unless the intention was that the blog was for everyone else and not so much you, write about the “you” stuff. And that’s where I am now.

I’ve got experiences from work that I could probably blog about in such a manner that they won’t come back to bite me in the ass and get me fired. I’ve got experiences in friendships that will really piss of the people that were involved in these experiences, but you know what, I’m nice, I don’t use names, and I’m going to start blogging them (be pissed off if you like, I don’t care, pissing me off/hurting in the first place is what earned the experience a post). My family would probably have a fit if I wrote stuff on my blog, but, well, such is life, deal with it, I won’t use your name. I’ve got 3 vacations that have been taken in the last month to write about. I’ve got a heck of a lot to blog about, I’ve got a whole list, and if I’m going to blog, I’m going to do it where it makes me happy to write, not anyone else. That’s a choice I’m making.

By the same token, I may not blog. Maybe I don’t blog because, hrm, maybe I’m not around the computer. And you know what, I’m not going to be perturbed that the PC isn’t on. I’m off doing things, like, oh, riding my bicycle, swimming, running, sky diving, kayaking, hiking, rock climbing, reading a book, traveling, something other than being in front of a PC. That’s me now, a person that doesn’t need to be online talking to people via IM to be happy (don’t get me wrong, I love my friends on IM, but I’m growing here, growing in life experiences)

A friend said tonight “That’s why I think you rock. You have a good outlook.” Had he known me before a year, year and a half ago, he wouldn’t have thought that, and I don’t want to be the person that doesn’t have a good outlook. I spent more than half my life hating it and wishing that instead of surviving diabetes it had killed me. It really put me in a foul mood, and I don’t want to be there anymore. Again, don’t get me wrong here, I have my days where I hate life, but can you genuinely say that you don’t have those days too?

I’m making a choice here, because everything is a choice, we are where we are today because of the choices we made, and I want to continue growing, physically, mentally, spiritually, and I really can’t do that in front of a computer. So, here’s another choice, I will blog, I’ll even make a commitment now that I will blog at least once a week (here on this blog) but beyond that you may not see much of me (not here anyways).

If you want to see more of me than once a week I invite you to read my other blog, my diabetes/cycling blog, Ride to Remedy. That blog that keeps track of my journeys across the US as I ride in a Tour de Cure in each state. Obviously, I also talk about my diabetes. That blog is a niche blog, it mostly sticks to my diabetes and me cycling.

Anything beyond that will be posted here (if I so decide to sit down and blog).

Two weeks ago the perfect job approached me, it caught me off guard, I wasn’t looking for it, but when it came to me, I was like, sweet, I’m moving. When I got home from the location of the perfect job I started taking care of everything I needed to do to make sure I was in a prime position for when I had a “hard” interview (as opposed to the soft one I had when I was there) . But then 3 days later I went to Denver, and Denver ruined me for the perfect job.

When I was in Denver, my Dad made a comment that 1) I agreed with and 2) I actually thought was smart (and being a child, no comment a parent ever makes is smart, that’s just common knowledge, they can’t say anything right, but he did).

He said:

“Do me a favor while you’re in Denver, bring home a newspaper.”

I was kindof confused at this but I stayed silent and he continued.

“You can start getting an idea of what the cost of living is up there and what kind of jobs are available”

I was really confused at this because I had already pronounced that I was moving and that I was going to work at the perfect job. But again, I was silent and he continued.

“Think of all the places you’ve gone in the last year and think of where you were happiest. You can’t move somewhere just because of the perfect job, you have to move somewhere that will help you grow in all that you want to do in life.”

To this I began to retort: “But the people I’d be working with are great, I’d be learning a lot, I’d really love my job…”

I got stopped somewhere in midthought and he says:

“There is more to life than just a job and I realize you’re at your job more hours than most people as that’s the industry you’re in, and that you spend more than a normal amount of time with the people you’re working with, but what are you going to do when you leave work for the night, or the weekends?”

To this I really didn’t have an answer, I could’ve been funny: well I’d go to my home in the Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse at Disney World. Somewhere in my head I knew that telling him I was going to live at Disney World in my spare time would not be a smart move so I didn’t say a word. I just sat and thought.

I had to admit he was right, and he was right from the perspective of where the perfect job was, I wasn’t going to be happy, biking would be practically a non-sport because there would be no challenge to it in the area where I’d be living. I’d have a harder time training for rides in other states because of the lack of hills and lack of elevation. Traveling to the rides would be a harder task, I’d have to hop on a plane for every ride and that would become more costly than it already is.

I was all ready to pick up and move for the perfect job, and being as young as I am it wouldn’t have mattered what else happened, because I was going to be happy at work. But dad had a point, what does happiness at work matter if you’re not happy outside of work?

I walked away from the perfect job. I walked away from he opportunity that I have been waiting for. I walked away from the opportunity to be able to work with great people in a fun environment. I walked away from knowing that I was constantly going to be challenged and learning new things. I walked away from a job where if I programmed a piece of shit it wouldn’t just get taken away from me and get passed to someone else to fix but a discussion would be had as to what was wrong and how I could’ve done it better.

I walked away from the perfect job and one day, I may regret this decision. But today, dad was right, I need to be true to more than just the dream of having the perfect job, I need to be true to all my other dreams, and right now, that number one dream is helping to find a cure for diabetes, and I’m doing that through my bike rides, and I need to be in a place where I can train and no matter where I then travel, I’ll be prepared for the next ride.

I walked away from the perfect job.

Over the last week and a half people have been asking me where my entry for the Blog Battle Royale Charity Edition was and why it didn’t get posted, did they miss it, was it posted on another blog.

The week before it was due I was preparing for my trip to Orlando FL to ride in the Tour de Cure out there. It’s my participation in the Tour de Cure that drives my charity blog Ride To Remedy. Instead of writing about my blog and the cause it supports I was out there participating in it (among other things) and that is why my post didn’t get posted.

When I got back I felt that the point was moot to put up the post and so I didn’t. However, because of the recent questioning here is my post:

—————————

Imagine that one thing you just have to do, be it traveling somewhere, meeting some superstar (actor/actress, musician, athlete artist, writer, etc), participating in some competition where you win (like a sporting event, American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, etc), go ahead and pick that one thing, that one thing that you really only feel that you have to do it once, once will be enough, once will take care of your craving to do that one thing, once is all it’s going to take for you to be content, doing it just once will give you the power to say, I did it and I don’t need to do it again…do you have that one thing in your mind? If not get it there, because we’re moving fast…do you have it now? Okay, good! Let’s Go!

Now imagine that you get to do that one thing. You’ve traveled back in time and met John Lennon. You’ve jumped from a helicopter and skied down the mountain of your choice. You’ve been to the deepest trench in the ocean and seen creatures that we can only dream about. You’ve made one revolution around the earth in a space shuttle (that you built in your back yard). You’ve traveled to some far away country that’s only a spec on our maps and met George of the Jungle. Whew, that was exciting! Are you back yet? Come on, pull yourself together, you can reminisce and blog about your journey later, I’m not done with you yet.

So you’ve just gotten back from that one thing that you just had to do once. But, now that you’ve done it, you can’t wait to do it again can you? It was so exhilarating, exciting, mind blowing, inspiring, thrilling and breathtaking (do I need to continue?) that you can’t wait until your next opportunity to do it again. Now imagine that that one thing that you had to do just once and now can’t wait to do it again, was a charity event. That is where my story really begins.

It’s not the background information that really matters, it’s what happened after that “one thing”.

My one thing was to ride 35 miles in a Tour de Cure for diabetes. When I set out to ride in this “one” ride, I really had no intentions of riding in any other rides. But all it took was once. One ride and I was hooked. When I got done with my first ride in Long Beach, CA, I was exhausted and really couldn’t thing of much more than a nice cool shower. After my gear was put away and I was all cleaned up, I started thinking about what I had just done.

I had driven 12 hours to ride my bike 35 miles in a state I didn’t even live in. I raised $1110 for diabetes, a disease that I have had for over 15 years but also a disease that effects over 20.8 million people in the US. It was the first thing I have ever done since getting diabetes to help the cause instead of just complain about it. It made me happy. It was at that moment that I decided that once was not enough, I wanted to ride in a Tour de Cure in every state.

When I got home I was quick to register for my next ride. I also decided that I needed a blog dedicated to my cause. RideToRemedy.com was born. Having Ride to Remedy gave me a place to track my training progress, track how I was doing in meeting my goal of riding in all 50 states, give my thoughts on the rides I had ridden in, talk about the new gear that I was getting, and to talk about my diabetes, it became an outlet for me a a place where people (friends, family, sponsors) could see what I was doing, see my progress in meeting my goals (the overall goal and the individual ride goals), learn about my life with diabetes and help support me.

Last year I rode in 3 rides. It started in Long Beach, CA.

I had the best ride I have ever done in Longmont, CO.

And I ended my season with a ride in Ft. Worth, TX.

As I say each time I write a page for whichever ride I’m preparing for:

I ride for myself, for my family members with diabetes, for all my friends with diabetes, for those with diabetes that I don’t know, and for those that will be saved from the torment of diabetes when a cure is found. And I will continue to ride until that cure is found, whether it be before I’ve ridden in all 50 states or long afterwards.

Ride To Remedy powers my rides because it gives me a place to point the sponsors to. It gives them a place to read about the cause they’re funding. It gives them a reason to sponsor me ride after ride.

Ride To Remedy gives me a way to network with other diabetics that are doing the same thing and it helps me to meet new people as I travel from state to state to participate in these rides.

Ride To Remedy holds me accountable for what I’ve set out to do. If days go by with without me posting people begin to send emails questioning where I’ve gone, what’s happening, am I still riding, is everything okay with my diabetes.

Ride To Remedy gives me a reason to ride. The more diabetics that read it and the more diabetics that respond to it, gives me a more personal reason to ride. When I rode in Ft. Worth, TX I tried to have a name for every mile I was riding and that’s really the only reason I made it through that ride. Even though I know that I ride for over 20 million people, to have names and faces gives me a more personal reason to ride.

So, if you decide to keep up with all that’s going on at Ride To Remedy, if you notice that I’m riding in a city near you, won’t you ride with with me? (Chances are you know someone with diabetes or pre-diabetes, your ride, would be well worth it.)