Traveling Thoughts

There has been a lot of change in me over the last year, in fact, a little over a year. It was a year ago a few days ago that a big change happened in my life that really was for the good, it was the push that I needed to want to take care of my diabetes. (there’s so much I haven’t blogged about so bear with me here,) I had wanted to take care of my diabetes when I started sky diving, but then when my blood sugar went low at elevation (10,000 feet above ground level) and my instructors told me once we got to ground that I wasn’t responding to their signals I knew that my days of sky diving were numbered (I made exactly one more jump). After that I got all defeated again.

I think I had lived the better part of 15 years in a mode of defeatedness. Diabetes really brought me down and with the doctors and family members really holding me back and me not fighting for my right to do things I really just became a turtle in a shell (that was a choice I made). I was a wall flower in school after the 5th grade. (5th grade was rough for me because I had just gotten diabetes and I spent a lot of time in the counselors offices because I was constantly in fights.) After 5th grade I receded into myself pretty much. In 6th grade I spent more time fighting with other kids over friends that it wasn’t worth the trouble to make friends anymore. That was my choice.

Life is all about our choices, sure, some things are thrown at us, but other things we do ourselves. Up until last year (March 15th) I really never made any choices that were going to be a massively good impact in my life, I made choices that helped me get by in life but beyond that most the other choices were to terrorize or hurt people that (i felt) had hurt me.

There are people having problems with whom I’ve become (call them casualties of my growth if you will but by the same token know that it’s not an unforgivable loss). They want what I was, and the truth is, I don’t want to be who I was, I’m doing things now that I should’ve been doing in middle school and high school, and it’s not wrong for me to be doing them as an adult, I’m out there fighting for what I want. And that’s my choice (and my right as a human being).

A month ago there was a pretty big bomb set off in a friendship, from that I decided that I didn’t need to spend my life online, that I needed to not be on the computer as much (I’m already on it 12-15 hrs a day for work). I decided that there are other things I’d rather be doing. As an effect of that choice, this blog has suffered (in addition to all the traveling I’ve been doing and the fairly regular blogging that I’ve been doing on my diabetes blog). Posting has been incredibly infrequent and I’m seriously contemplating whether or not I want to keep up two blogs.

There’s just so much to do beyond the computer, and I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have time to do anything. It’s a choice that we make, we make the time to do the things we want to. And when it comes down to it, I might be able to write some good posts that more people than I could imagine read, but what is that? What does that really amount to in my life, in my life beyond the computer, it might not…

When I started this blog, it was really a place to let loose, the good stuff, the bad stuff, the creative thought stuff. At one point I had a blog called “courtroversy” I would really unload there, I let it go long before traveling thoughts came into existence. Less than a year ago I felt that “courtroversy” needed to come back because I needed a place that could exist separate from everything else where I could vent (the bad stuff). This is my blog, and it’s not a niche blog, it’s an everything blog, an everything Courtney blog; and if I’m going to continue blogging here, I need to feel comfortable in my own space. One shouldn’t ever feel that on their own blog they can’t write stuff because of what their readers will think. Unless the intention was that the blog was for everyone else and not so much you, write about the “you” stuff. And that’s where I am now.

I’ve got experiences from work that I could probably blog about in such a manner that they won’t come back to bite me in the ass and get me fired. I’ve got experiences in friendships that will really piss of the people that were involved in these experiences, but you know what, I’m nice, I don’t use names, and I’m going to start blogging them (be pissed off if you like, I don’t care, pissing me off/hurting in the first place is what earned the experience a post). My family would probably have a fit if I wrote stuff on my blog, but, well, such is life, deal with it, I won’t use your name. I’ve got 3 vacations that have been taken in the last month to write about. I’ve got a heck of a lot to blog about, I’ve got a whole list, and if I’m going to blog, I’m going to do it where it makes me happy to write, not anyone else. That’s a choice I’m making.

By the same token, I may not blog. Maybe I don’t blog because, hrm, maybe I’m not around the computer. And you know what, I’m not going to be perturbed that the PC isn’t on. I’m off doing things, like, oh, riding my bicycle, swimming, running, sky diving, kayaking, hiking, rock climbing, reading a book, traveling, something other than being in front of a PC. That’s me now, a person that doesn’t need to be online talking to people via IM to be happy (don’t get me wrong, I love my friends on IM, but I’m growing here, growing in life experiences)

A friend said tonight “That’s why I think you rock. You have a good outlook.” Had he known me before a year, year and a half ago, he wouldn’t have thought that, and I don’t want to be the person that doesn’t have a good outlook. I spent more than half my life hating it and wishing that instead of surviving diabetes it had killed me. It really put me in a foul mood, and I don’t want to be there anymore. Again, don’t get me wrong here, I have my days where I hate life, but can you genuinely say that you don’t have those days too?

I’m making a choice here, because everything is a choice, we are where we are today because of the choices we made, and I want to continue growing, physically, mentally, spiritually, and I really can’t do that in front of a computer. So, here’s another choice, I will blog, I’ll even make a commitment now that I will blog at least once a week (here on this blog) but beyond that you may not see much of me (not here anyways).

If you want to see more of me than once a week I invite you to read my other blog, my diabetes/cycling blog, Ride to Remedy. That blog that keeps track of my journeys across the US as I ride in a Tour de Cure in each state. Obviously, I also talk about my diabetes. That blog is a niche blog, it mostly sticks to my diabetes and me cycling.

Anything beyond that will be posted here (if I so decide to sit down and blog).

This blog has been fairly surface as far as my life is concerned, rarely do I ever write about anything that is more than surface level stuff about me. I avoid speaking about my Christianity, I avoid speaking about politics, and I avoid speaking about work, among the million other things I most likely have a tendency to avoid.

I avoid speaking about my Christianity because I have a constant on again off again relationship with God because I’m reminded every couple of hours how pissed off I am at Him no matter what good He’s doing/done in my life. Half the time I’m so pissed off that I won’t even claim to be a Christian because I’d rather sacrifice my Christianity than be the person that turns another person away from Christianity because I’m a “hypocrite”.

I avoid speaking about politics because of several reasons, 1) I used to not pay so much attention to them and 2) they’re so controversial that one has to know the issues they’re going to discuss and they have to be able to support their stand on the issues or they’re going to get run over verbally by people that know about the issues better than I do (which kindof is another reason I don’t blog about my beliefs because sometimes just because I know something is right in my heart doesn’t mean I have what I need to back up that belief).

I avoid speaking about work just because it’s bad form to blog about work and because one can get fired for it (read: Dooce’d). But here’s my take on that, there is just some shit that has to be put up with at work, because we don’t have a choice, it just has to be done, and so if I have to put up with that shit at work, I’m going to blog about it just so I can get through the day without being completely frustrated to the point where I just can’t get past the issues that will exist in any job I have. I don’t want to get fired, but it’s important that I speak about my feelings, that way I don’t go into a rage that can be far worse than me blogging about my thoughts and feelings.

All this to say, the content of my blog is going to change a little, I’m going to start discussing topics I didn’t use to discuss because this blog is my blog and I need to start writing about stuff and getting it off my chest or I’m going to go freakin’ insane.

I went the Bellagio with Alli, Colleen, Jenn, and Jim who I had met up with for dinner over at Chipotle’s/Panda Express earlier. We had walked up to the Bellagio because it wasn’t far from where we started (Harrah’s-ish). Now, Alli and Jenn I didn’t know, I had read their blogs a few times, run across them occasionally, and stopped in just to see what was new. Jim I only knew because of the non-poop on his butt that Colleen had written about. And Colleen, well, she’s a superstar among all us posties at PayPerPost, being the top earner and all it was important for me to learn from her so I’d been a regular reader of her blog for almost a year, and I listened to her radio show when she was doing it. (Colleen, I miss your radio show.)

We met up with Brett who I had only seen on the PPP boards. Cass who I just love, and loved when all I had ever seen of her was on the PPP boards, but she’s way lovable. Ang who I totally missed the boat on and didn’t come to know her until this night, but she’s totally cool too. Ted, everyone knows Ted, and if you don’t, you’re missing out. Pete, who has a fan club of his own eventually showed up and it was cool to meet him. Priscilla, who I had only seen her confessionals and she’s behind on them (yes, I know you love the camera, get out there and do another one ;P). Magical Trevor, yes, I said Magical Trevor, as in from the Magical Trevor song. Lisa, for whom I’ve written a review of her site. VC Dan. Sandra, who I knew because she won a printer in BBRII and the picture she scanned was totally cool. Dan, known because of the chicken hat and the PPP error page. And Scooter, I’m pretty sure it’s Scooter I see in this picture.

But the real reason we went to the Bellagio was for an Ocean’s 11 type picture

I think this is the closest we got.

That’s me on the rail. Taking this vid:

I had a blast with all these people, but it wasn’t the beginning nor the end of the night, more to come later.

These little hamgabers may have been my favorite thing about the Tao.

I can’t describe the yummyness of them. Just looking at them makes my mouth water. They were so delicious, I think decadent may be an appropriate word. I tried on several occasions to get the server to just leave me a tray, but each time they’d ask “then what are we going to do?”. That’s a great question and I couldn’t answer it, but I swear, had they left me a tray, I would’ve been able to eat the entire thing all on my own.

Here I am eating one, I hate having pictures taken when I’m eating, but I caught Alli and her camera just in time that I was able to move the kobe beef slider away from my mouth and smile. Thanks Alli for taking this picture, it makes this post complete :)

This was my first experience eating kobe beef, and you know what, when I’m filthy rich, I’m so going to eat kobe beef all the time. I’ll be worth the $40/lb for the great taste of a massaged cow…mmmmmmmmmmm…just thinking about it, I can taste it.

For the longest time (ever since I was a kid) I’ve thought zoos were cool. When I travel, if I get a chance to do something, I usually look into the zoos or the aquariums in the area. For 19 years I’ve lived in Albuquerque, NM and I’ve never grown tired of the zoo. (Our aquarium is a disappointment, but that’s another story)

But here’s the deal, when I go to a well known city, I expect a great zoo. So I’m in Ft. Worth (Ft. Worth/Dallas well known cities) and I go to their zoo. You’d think from the size of the parking lot and the traffic going in and out of there and the fact that I had to pay for parking that I was walking into a massive cool zoo. Not so much…

It was in the Ft. Worth Zoo that I decided a zoo is just a zoo. That’s it, end of story. I think that the Ft. Worth Zoo was smaller and had far less animals than the Albuquerque zoo.

The best part of the Ft. Worth Zoo was the Sun Bears. They’re so cute looking, just adorable, the kind of bears that are so cute you’d want one for a pet.

Maybe I should mention that I’m a spoiled little brat. Besides the Albuquerque zoo, I grew up on the CA zoos. In particular, the San Diego Zoo/Wild Animal Park. I’ve also been to the Auduban Zoo in New Orleans. I know what a good zoo is…

As I was cleaning my room a few weeks ago I found a sealed envelope that had nothing written on it except in one corner. It said “1997″. That was 10 years ago. I had no recollection of the envelope or what was in it, so I tore into it. A flood of memories overtook my mind. That envelope contained remnants of my 16th summer. A score card from Putt Putt Golf, prize tickets from Hinkle Family Fun Center (they have go karts and a nickel arcade), ticket stubs from Titanic. Yeah, that was my summer 10 years ago, or remnants of it anyways.

10 YEARS AGO! It seems like such a long time. I managed to not remember that I had created that envelope 10 years ago, I had no earthly clue what it was. But imagine that it had been saved for longer than that 20,30,40,50…100 years. Would paper even last 100 years? I can tell you it wouldn’t survive in my room that my parents call the cave.

I’m not sure stuff would survive in a can for 100 years. Like a coffee can with a plastic lid would get eaten through (damn bugs they evolve and can get through stuff we didn’t think they could, or they would in like 100 years), a paint can with the lid would get rusted and good luck getting a rusted lid off the paint can, and would what’s inside survive if the can got rusted, would water manage to find a way to leak in, would the documents and precious items saved for another time rust as well?

Who knows, I won’t be around in 100 years and I’ve not found any buried cans that are 100 years old, heck, I’ve not found any buried treasure. But, what if I could preserve something for 100 years, what would I preserve. What would I want the world to know about me a hundred years from now? What was the kid that shoved movie tickets, prize tickets, and a score card into an envelope thinking? I don’t know, but suppose I did find something to preserve. I’d have to take it to the next level, I’d have to take it to http://www.the100yearwebsite.com/.

Yup, The 100 Year Website, where things would get virtually buried and saved for 100 years. Documents could be scanned in, pictures, things and it would be around for people to see in 100 years assuming we haven’t advanced far beyond the technology of the net in 100 years. But that’s neither here nor there.

Maybe 100 years from now it would be cool if people looked back at the various Tour de Cure’s that I participated in and see what it took (among other things) for there to be a cure for diabetes. Maybe I need a capsule, because I have a legacy to leave after all.

I am a cute girl. It takes getting me to a point where I pull off the ballcap and curl my hair before the cute girl in me is seen, but I am a cute girl. Back in May, I got my hair cut for graduation. When I went on vacation at the end of may I didn’t wear a ballcap at all, I curled my hair each day and I looked cute (I did, this isn’t just me, this is the opinions of other peeps too. They told me so).

Somewhere around mid-June, early July I decided that my hair got way to long and that I needed to start wearing a ballcap again. Thus it has been. Me in a ponytail with my ballcap (in the billiards room if you’re wondering). And for as long as I’ve been wearing my ballcap, I’ve been telling mom that I need my head shaved (which translates to: mom, I need my hair cut in a bad way, a very bad way).

In fact, when I was cleaning my room a couple weeks ago, I found several magazines that I had bought over the years who’s sole purpose was for me to take to the hair salon and have them cut my hair just like the little picture (They hate the little pictures, where they only get one view, they like side views and back views as well as the front view). I didn’t find a style that I liked though so I’ve still be running around in my hats, I’ve progressed from soley ballcaps to beanies as well because it’s fall and I look cute in a beanie.

My problem with looking through the magazines is that I’m so darn indecisive. But I still need a haircut. In comes Makeover Solutions with all kinds of options on the internet. Yeah, go ahead and laugh. We all know how I don’t do makeovers. We all know how I’d rather be branded than have to sit down and have my hair and makeup done.

But I really need a hair cut. And so I tried a hair style on. And some highlights and some lowlights and I even put on a little lip gloss. And some glasses, because it kindof gave me a sexy look.

I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure that I can pull it off. A little neutral light auburn for the hair with some extra light neutral blonde highlights and warm dark auburn lowlights (not that I did those in the right order but it looks good.) And on the lips, just because I could, I added some Effect 3D Mobile Beige Elastique lip gloss. And for the glasses I’m wearing Modo. Isn’t it nice looking…aren’t I lookin’ good…

There were so many options, especially in the makeup arena, but I just can’t go there, not even virtually. I did like that they had an assortment of beanies, but those, I won’t go there virtually either, I gotta have them for real. There were just so many options…I barely touched all the options that are given to us…And with so many options, it’s gonna be difficult to decide who done what with what and in what room, but the computer room is a great place to start and Makeover Solutions will give you an array of weapons…err…beauty supplies…

So, I get sent a link to a blog, Kat’s blog and in her No More Ties Entry and I’m reading it and she talking about some RSS thing.

I don’t like the RSS feed thing they have which pulls keywords out of our posts, breaks down our posts into easy to read blurbs.
I don’t write my posts to have them hacked apart by that thing.
I write them to be read as they are.

I had to ask Jules what she was talking about because I’m like clueless. Jules gives me the link to RSS Brief and because I’m curious and I have to play and see what she’s talking about, I brief my site.

What comes up is for the last entry that I posted, Business Christmas Cards and Other Christmas Card Memories, my 420 word entry became…albeit funny, mumblejumble

For the past week or so I’ve been pondering this year’s Christmas card… I haven’t done so for like a decade… And last year, I decided that since I was a quarter of a century old that it was time that I started doing normal human things, like sending o …

It only picked up stuff from the first paragraph and so it reminds me of being in school where that introduction meant everything and that if your introduction sucked the rest of your paper wasn’t going to get read…yeah…talk about frustration, this is blogging, you can’t crop out sentences from my first paragraph and think that people get the gist of my post, I’m jumpy, you’re lucky if I stay on the topic I started on when I post…

I have an addiction problem. And this isn’t anything new to me. Before I went into the hospital at the beginning of the month, I was drinking between 3-6 diet cokes a day. While I was in the hospital and due to my fear of everything after I got out I managed to go close to 15 days without a diet coke. And then I broke down, I had to have a soda. So on a Friday I had a diet coke. And then I went through the weekend with out any and then last week I must’ve drank a whole 12 pack by myself, and through the weekend I couldn’t live without a soda so I managed to get my hands on one on Saturday but not on Sunday. I lasted through the middle of today without having a coke. What’s that, 3.5 days. And then I broke again. I had a monster size diet coke and it tasted so good…But it’s so bad for me…this is a huge problem for me…and you know what, I just feel like saying “I can’t help it” but the problem is I can help it but it’s just far too much work lately…and because I feel that way, well, it’s a problem…